and so I saw a shrink....

Don't believe everything you think.

                                

In the beginning it made sense to believe my thoughts. My thoughts, I argued, were me and why would I lie to myself. Out of the billions of people in the world, the one person I should be able to trust is me.

 

In the beginning my thoughts were there to cheer me on when I didn't have the confidence to stand in front of my class to give an oral report. My thoughts were there to help me find my loveable parts. They were there to support my intuition as a grew into motherhood.

 

But slowly, those words of support and praise melted into a thick sticky pot of doubt and belittlement. I knew that I shouldn't trust the thoughts that contained words like "always" and "never", I could quickly see through the lies of these statements. I knew that I wasn't "always a failure" or that I "never got anything right", but when those voices started personalizing their insults they were much easier to accept. 

 

When I started to compare my life and my house and my family to those around me, it was easy to think that they all lived in a fairytale, especially with the advent of social media. People would post pictures of their perfect family in their perfect house or on their perfect vacations. I didn't just envy the things they had, I started to think that they knew the recipe for the magic potion that kept everything in order. Instead of trying to learn from what they were doing, not realizing that most people only post pictures or leave status updates when everything is peachy, I quit trying.

 

After I gave up, the voices settled in and really had a hay day. They turned my feelings into facts. They made it easier to blame others for what was happening around me. They filled my mind with "should's, must's and ought's".

 

At one of my first counseling sessions my therapist gave me a workbook that probably did more to help turn around my funk than any other thing I have tried since. The things I do now are supportive and help me maintain a happy mood, but without the workbook none of the supportive measures would have done a thing.

 

It starts out with a "Daily Thought Record" in which you monitor your feelings throughout the day. When you feel bad or unpleasant you describe the Event surrounding those feelings. For me, the first time I used the DTR, I came upstairs from working a particularly challenging shift at work (thank you Super Storm Sandy) and discovered that our house was a mess. In the interest of "keeping it real" and because I love you, here are a couple pics I took the morning after that blasted day.

 

 

(seeing them again...I do feel a little justified in my emotions, but I'm also grateful that something as silly as a messy house doesn't have the same power to drag me down as it used to) 

 

The next section asks you to describe the emotions surrounding the event or the Impact of the Event. I felt frustrated and sad because now I had to either clean it up myself or I would have to sit on my kids until they did it. Talking them through every step, refereeing arguments, keeping them motivated, knowing that I could clean it up by myself in about an hour or two, but asking 8 little hands to clean up their own mess meant a whole day ordeal that would most likely end in tears (theirs and mine).

It then asks you to Rate the Intensity of the emotion on a scale of 1-10. I was at a 7. Probably not my worst day, I wasn't ready to wake everyone up at that very moment and insist that they pick up their things before they could go back to bed (something that though I have been tempted to do on several occasions, I have had the wherewithal to resist) but I wasn't ready to let the emotions roll off my back either.

Next you are asked to analyze your thoughts. Within your Initial Responses, describe the automatic thoughts or self-talk. Then rate how believable it is from 1-10. My initial response was,  "I am the only one who ever cleans. If my family really loved me they would clean up after themselves and I wouldn't have to sit on them until they did. I must not be teaching them correctly." Luckily, even at this stage I knew that my thoughts were nowhere close to the truth. 

Here comes the fun part. There are several different ways in which we lie to ourselves on a daily basis that contribute to depression or a feeling of low self-esteem. They are called thought distortions. 

During this experience the thought distortions that I was experiencing were Assuming (I assumed I knew the motivations of the people who created the mess), Fairytale Fantasy (I believed that everyone else lived in perfectly maintained castles that were constantly and immaculately clean), Overgeneralizing (even though I knew better, the "never" and "always" beasties crept up on me), Dwelling on the Negative (instead of coming up from my shift and recognizing that a messy house meant that my family LIVED in my house and were busy making memories instead of being little maids, I decided to focus on the negative), Catastrophizing (it was a messy house, I wasn't a failure and neither were they), Personalizing (instead of allowing others to take the "blame" for the mess, I blamed my parenting) and Blaming (I blamed my family for my bad mood). Phew...that is a whole lot of crazy talk if you take a step back from it. But these were the battles that were raging in my mind EVERY day. 

After you take a step back and categorize you thoughts, it is now time to create a Reasonable Response. "Change the distortions to more reasonable thoughts. Rate how much you believe each from 1-10". A much more reasonable response to a messy house is, "When properly motivated and supervised my children are fabulous cleaners. They show me that they love me not only in the little acts of service that they do for me, but also with their gratitude, smiles and hugs. I do my best to teach them, lovingly, how to care for themselves, their things and others.". This reaction is much more accurate and believable. I rated it a 9. 

Finally you analyze the Results. "Based upon your Thought Analysis, rerate how much you believe your initial responses. Then rerate the intensity of your emotions". My initial response was a distortion of the facts.

After you have analyzed your thoughts and dissected them to this level it is much easier to have a handle on the emotions associated with your thoughts. That doesn't mean that I don't still get upset by a messy room or when things don't go according to plan, it just means that when I do get upset I don't spiral into a pit of despair. I don't believe everything that I think.

I was so grateful to realize that not everything that I think is fact. There are some "facts" running around in there that I would love to be true, but these hurtful distorted thoughts no longer (or at least most of the time) don't have power over me.

And because I'm not really ready to let the whole world in on my imperfections, this is what it looked like after I got a few hours off of work and really kicked it into high gear. (The kiddo's were a great help, and the tears were kept to a minimum) 

 

ps...I will try to find out more about the workbook my therapist gave me. She just gave me copies that she made from her book. I think they are excerpts from a book called, "The Self-Esteem Workbook", but on the info that I have it doesn't indicate an author (and I would love to give credit to those involved in this work of perfection). So I will look into it and get back to you :) 

Strawberry Honey Butter

October’s poplars are flaming torches

lighting the way to winter.
-Nova S. Bair

I don’t know what it is about fall, but it brings me in. It holds me tightly with memories of trick or treating as a kid, the hot smell of the candle flickering inside my beautifully carved pumpkin cooking the flesh just enough to add its aroma to the already perfect evening. It reminds me of crisp autumn nights as I unpacked my belongings into a sturdy, warm dorm room that sat at the mouth of Logan canyon, the wind whipping around its edges creating mini snow or leaf filled tornado's. It reminds me of riding the shuttle over to the student center for a hot slice of bread with apple butter or raspberry honey butter. I had a car, but I would usually trade in the solidarity of a morning ride by myself in Crunchie the Love Cockroach (my pet name for my little Toyota Corolla because it made a lovely crunching sound anytime I cornered to the right) for the warmth and camaraderie of the shuttle.

Last week, as that autumn chill brought back those memories, I just couldn’t shake the craving that I was having for a little slice of my past. I considered driving 3 hours round trip, not including time to revel in my wanderlust, but as I scanned our calendar I knew that a quick trip would be a selfish indulgence that I just couldn’t justify for the day. So I set out to create a happy little pause button that would keep the cravings at bay until I had time for the trip.

This recipe could easily be adapted to any fruit you have on hand. After I finished up the pictures my mind started racing with ideas of different “butters” that I could try. The possibilities are endless. Since Thanksgiving is just around the corner my mind leaped to ideas that incorporated my favorite fall flavors. What about a pumpkin honey butter or an orange cranberry honey butter. I think both of those will have to be a part of our Thanksgiving feast, spread generously across a warm home made roll.

If the flavors you want to try aren’t in season, frozen fruits can easily be substituted. I made strawberry honey butter and a tropical honey butter with mangoes, pineapple and strawberries. They have both been gobbled up by my family. My kiddo’s have loved spreading them over their toast, crepes and waffles. I feel good that they are getting a little extra fruit into their days. The best part, it stores well in the refrigerator for up to a week in a sealed container or up to 6 months in the freezer. So you can take a few minutes today and enjoy it for several months to come!

 

 

Strawberry Honey Butter

 

1 c strawberries hulled and sliced

2 Tbsp honey

1 c butter softened, at room temperature

 

In small saucepan, over medium heat combine strawberries and honey. Heat until boiling, stirring constantly. Cool to room temperature, stirring occasionally to speed up the process. In blender or food processor blend strawberry mixture until smooth and then fold in butter until it is well blended.





just a little bit broken....and that's okay!

I have come to realize

that caring for myself

is not self indulgent.

Caring for myself

is an act of survival.

                                  -Audre Lorde

 

 

Hello friends! I have missed you so much and am so glad to be back. Our computer died a couple of weeks ago and it has taken a while to get the new one up and running. I am grateful for those few weeks, as they gave me some time to be a little more introspective. I learned so much about myself that I am so excited to share. So let's jump right in.

 

While I was away I read a great article posted in the Elephant Journal that really hit home. It is about a Hindu goddess named Akhilandeshvari. Her name roughly translated means "the never, not broken goddess". Upon first inspection the idea of being constantly broken is scary, but Akhilandeshvari derives her power from this constant flux of falling apart and picking the pieces back up again. Never getting stuck in toxic routines because she is never together long enough to stay there.

 

The author points out that one of the scariest parts of our lives are in those moments where we are lying broken, on our bedroom floors after a major shift in our lives. Whither it is a breakup, the loss of a job or the loss of a loved one. The hardest part to overcome is rewriting our future plans for ourselves. At the beginning of any relationship or job or circumstance we all create a manuscript of how we think things will play out. When things don't go according to plan that manuscript is shredded before our eyes and we are left to pick up the pieces and try to make sense of the new path all the while using what bits and pieces we can gather from the old manuscript to construct a new one. Losing that vision of our future is terrifying.

 

"But look, Akhilanda says, now you get to make a choice. In pieces, in a pile on your floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how you want to pull yourself back together. Confusion can be an incredible teacher - how could you ever learn if you already had it all figured out?" -Julie Peters

 

For the longest time my ultimate goal was to heal myself of my depression. I thought that if it crept up again, and I found myself in a pile on my floor that I had ultimately failed...again. So when those feelings do make their appearance, in any form whither it is a sad thought or actually breaking down and crying, I feel like a failure. Not only am I sad that I am experiencing these down in the dump feelings, I am sad that once again I wasn't strong enough to keep the feelings at bay.

 

But, if I know that depression is a part of me and that I will never be "not broken" the insult added to my injury will cease to have power over me. I can allow the sadness in, discover what it is trying to teach me and move on instead of sinking deeper because I have failed.

 

If you have a piece of china that has a crack in it, let's say it is a mug that's handle is being held to the body with a fine line of glue. You treat that mug differently. You don't pick it up with the gusto you would a mug that didn't have an "imperfection". You treat it gently and gingerly. You focus on the "imperfection" so as to prevent further damage.

 

Knowing my "imperfections" and knowing that there will always be the threat of some pretty dark days looming, I know that I have to treat myself gently. I need to be prepared to pick myself up off the floor over and over and over again. Which is exhausting and wildly exciting all in the same breath. I also need to focus on that part of me that is broken and create a plan to keep it from breaking even more. So here is my list.

 

In the coming weeks I will explain each one of these a little more, giving some of the "science" behind my decisions and I will link back to this post for easy referencing.

 

1) Eat healthy delicious food that nourishes my body and gives it what it needs.

 

2) Practice Yoga and meditation daily.

 

3) Use my "Happy Light" to help ward off seasonal affective disorder.

 

4) Get additional nutrients through supplements, the sun and soaking my feet.

 

5) Have a "cry day".
http://nomastoday.blogspot.com/2013/12/why-cry-day-is-actually-good-idea.html

 

6) Build my net.

 

7) Limit social media.

8) Weed through distorted thoughts and discover the truth. http://nomastoday.blogspot.com/2013/11/and-so-i-saw-shrink.html

 

These are the things that I know I have to do to keep the glue in place, and when the day comes again (which it ultimately will) that the glue just can't keep me together any longer I will get the opportunity to pull my pieces together in a new way, creating new routines and new experiences.