just a little bit broken....and that's okay!

I have come to realize

that caring for myself

is not self indulgent.

Caring for myself

is an act of survival.

                                  -Audre Lorde

 

 

Hello friends! I have missed you so much and am so glad to be back. Our computer died a couple of weeks ago and it has taken a while to get the new one up and running. I am grateful for those few weeks, as they gave me some time to be a little more introspective. I learned so much about myself that I am so excited to share. So let's jump right in.

 

While I was away I read a great article posted in the Elephant Journal that really hit home. It is about a Hindu goddess named Akhilandeshvari. Her name roughly translated means "the never, not broken goddess". Upon first inspection the idea of being constantly broken is scary, but Akhilandeshvari derives her power from this constant flux of falling apart and picking the pieces back up again. Never getting stuck in toxic routines because she is never together long enough to stay there.

 

The author points out that one of the scariest parts of our lives are in those moments where we are lying broken, on our bedroom floors after a major shift in our lives. Whither it is a breakup, the loss of a job or the loss of a loved one. The hardest part to overcome is rewriting our future plans for ourselves. At the beginning of any relationship or job or circumstance we all create a manuscript of how we think things will play out. When things don't go according to plan that manuscript is shredded before our eyes and we are left to pick up the pieces and try to make sense of the new path all the while using what bits and pieces we can gather from the old manuscript to construct a new one. Losing that vision of our future is terrifying.

 

"But look, Akhilanda says, now you get to make a choice. In pieces, in a pile on your floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how you want to pull yourself back together. Confusion can be an incredible teacher - how could you ever learn if you already had it all figured out?" -Julie Peters

 

For the longest time my ultimate goal was to heal myself of my depression. I thought that if it crept up again, and I found myself in a pile on my floor that I had ultimately failed...again. So when those feelings do make their appearance, in any form whither it is a sad thought or actually breaking down and crying, I feel like a failure. Not only am I sad that I am experiencing these down in the dump feelings, I am sad that once again I wasn't strong enough to keep the feelings at bay.

 

But, if I know that depression is a part of me and that I will never be "not broken" the insult added to my injury will cease to have power over me. I can allow the sadness in, discover what it is trying to teach me and move on instead of sinking deeper because I have failed.

 

If you have a piece of china that has a crack in it, let's say it is a mug that's handle is being held to the body with a fine line of glue. You treat that mug differently. You don't pick it up with the gusto you would a mug that didn't have an "imperfection". You treat it gently and gingerly. You focus on the "imperfection" so as to prevent further damage.

 

Knowing my "imperfections" and knowing that there will always be the threat of some pretty dark days looming, I know that I have to treat myself gently. I need to be prepared to pick myself up off the floor over and over and over again. Which is exhausting and wildly exciting all in the same breath. I also need to focus on that part of me that is broken and create a plan to keep it from breaking even more. So here is my list.

 

In the coming weeks I will explain each one of these a little more, giving some of the "science" behind my decisions and I will link back to this post for easy referencing.

 

1) Eat healthy delicious food that nourishes my body and gives it what it needs.

 

2) Practice Yoga and meditation daily.

 

3) Use my "Happy Light" to help ward off seasonal affective disorder.

 

4) Get additional nutrients through supplements, the sun and soaking my feet.

 

5) Have a "cry day".
http://nomastoday.blogspot.com/2013/12/why-cry-day-is-actually-good-idea.html

 

6) Build my net.

 

7) Limit social media.

8) Weed through distorted thoughts and discover the truth. http://nomastoday.blogspot.com/2013/11/and-so-i-saw-shrink.html

 

These are the things that I know I have to do to keep the glue in place, and when the day comes again (which it ultimately will) that the glue just can't keep me together any longer I will get the opportunity to pull my pieces together in a new way, creating new routines and new experiences.