and so I saw a shrink....

Don't believe everything you think.

                                

In the beginning it made sense to believe my thoughts. My thoughts, I argued, were me and why would I lie to myself. Out of the billions of people in the world, the one person I should be able to trust is me.

 

In the beginning my thoughts were there to cheer me on when I didn't have the confidence to stand in front of my class to give an oral report. My thoughts were there to help me find my loveable parts. They were there to support my intuition as a grew into motherhood.

 

But slowly, those words of support and praise melted into a thick sticky pot of doubt and belittlement. I knew that I shouldn't trust the thoughts that contained words like "always" and "never", I could quickly see through the lies of these statements. I knew that I wasn't "always a failure" or that I "never got anything right", but when those voices started personalizing their insults they were much easier to accept. 

 

When I started to compare my life and my house and my family to those around me, it was easy to think that they all lived in a fairytale, especially with the advent of social media. People would post pictures of their perfect family in their perfect house or on their perfect vacations. I didn't just envy the things they had, I started to think that they knew the recipe for the magic potion that kept everything in order. Instead of trying to learn from what they were doing, not realizing that most people only post pictures or leave status updates when everything is peachy, I quit trying.

 

After I gave up, the voices settled in and really had a hay day. They turned my feelings into facts. They made it easier to blame others for what was happening around me. They filled my mind with "should's, must's and ought's".

 

At one of my first counseling sessions my therapist gave me a workbook that probably did more to help turn around my funk than any other thing I have tried since. The things I do now are supportive and help me maintain a happy mood, but without the workbook none of the supportive measures would have done a thing.

 

It starts out with a "Daily Thought Record" in which you monitor your feelings throughout the day. When you feel bad or unpleasant you describe the Event surrounding those feelings. For me, the first time I used the DTR, I came upstairs from working a particularly challenging shift at work (thank you Super Storm Sandy) and discovered that our house was a mess. In the interest of "keeping it real" and because I love you, here are a couple pics I took the morning after that blasted day.

 

 

(seeing them again...I do feel a little justified in my emotions, but I'm also grateful that something as silly as a messy house doesn't have the same power to drag me down as it used to) 

 

The next section asks you to describe the emotions surrounding the event or the Impact of the Event. I felt frustrated and sad because now I had to either clean it up myself or I would have to sit on my kids until they did it. Talking them through every step, refereeing arguments, keeping them motivated, knowing that I could clean it up by myself in about an hour or two, but asking 8 little hands to clean up their own mess meant a whole day ordeal that would most likely end in tears (theirs and mine).

It then asks you to Rate the Intensity of the emotion on a scale of 1-10. I was at a 7. Probably not my worst day, I wasn't ready to wake everyone up at that very moment and insist that they pick up their things before they could go back to bed (something that though I have been tempted to do on several occasions, I have had the wherewithal to resist) but I wasn't ready to let the emotions roll off my back either.

Next you are asked to analyze your thoughts. Within your Initial Responses, describe the automatic thoughts or self-talk. Then rate how believable it is from 1-10. My initial response was,  "I am the only one who ever cleans. If my family really loved me they would clean up after themselves and I wouldn't have to sit on them until they did. I must not be teaching them correctly." Luckily, even at this stage I knew that my thoughts were nowhere close to the truth. 

Here comes the fun part. There are several different ways in which we lie to ourselves on a daily basis that contribute to depression or a feeling of low self-esteem. They are called thought distortions. 

During this experience the thought distortions that I was experiencing were Assuming (I assumed I knew the motivations of the people who created the mess), Fairytale Fantasy (I believed that everyone else lived in perfectly maintained castles that were constantly and immaculately clean), Overgeneralizing (even though I knew better, the "never" and "always" beasties crept up on me), Dwelling on the Negative (instead of coming up from my shift and recognizing that a messy house meant that my family LIVED in my house and were busy making memories instead of being little maids, I decided to focus on the negative), Catastrophizing (it was a messy house, I wasn't a failure and neither were they), Personalizing (instead of allowing others to take the "blame" for the mess, I blamed my parenting) and Blaming (I blamed my family for my bad mood). Phew...that is a whole lot of crazy talk if you take a step back from it. But these were the battles that were raging in my mind EVERY day. 

After you take a step back and categorize you thoughts, it is now time to create a Reasonable Response. "Change the distortions to more reasonable thoughts. Rate how much you believe each from 1-10". A much more reasonable response to a messy house is, "When properly motivated and supervised my children are fabulous cleaners. They show me that they love me not only in the little acts of service that they do for me, but also with their gratitude, smiles and hugs. I do my best to teach them, lovingly, how to care for themselves, their things and others.". This reaction is much more accurate and believable. I rated it a 9. 

Finally you analyze the Results. "Based upon your Thought Analysis, rerate how much you believe your initial responses. Then rerate the intensity of your emotions". My initial response was a distortion of the facts.

After you have analyzed your thoughts and dissected them to this level it is much easier to have a handle on the emotions associated with your thoughts. That doesn't mean that I don't still get upset by a messy room or when things don't go according to plan, it just means that when I do get upset I don't spiral into a pit of despair. I don't believe everything that I think.

I was so grateful to realize that not everything that I think is fact. There are some "facts" running around in there that I would love to be true, but these hurtful distorted thoughts no longer (or at least most of the time) don't have power over me.

And because I'm not really ready to let the whole world in on my imperfections, this is what it looked like after I got a few hours off of work and really kicked it into high gear. (The kiddo's were a great help, and the tears were kept to a minimum) 

 

ps...I will try to find out more about the workbook my therapist gave me. She just gave me copies that she made from her book. I think they are excerpts from a book called, "The Self-Esteem Workbook", but on the info that I have it doesn't indicate an author (and I would love to give credit to those involved in this work of perfection). So I will look into it and get back to you :) 

Strawberry Honey Butter

October’s poplars are flaming torches

lighting the way to winter.
-Nova S. Bair

I don’t know what it is about fall, but it brings me in. It holds me tightly with memories of trick or treating as a kid, the hot smell of the candle flickering inside my beautifully carved pumpkin cooking the flesh just enough to add its aroma to the already perfect evening. It reminds me of crisp autumn nights as I unpacked my belongings into a sturdy, warm dorm room that sat at the mouth of Logan canyon, the wind whipping around its edges creating mini snow or leaf filled tornado's. It reminds me of riding the shuttle over to the student center for a hot slice of bread with apple butter or raspberry honey butter. I had a car, but I would usually trade in the solidarity of a morning ride by myself in Crunchie the Love Cockroach (my pet name for my little Toyota Corolla because it made a lovely crunching sound anytime I cornered to the right) for the warmth and camaraderie of the shuttle.

Last week, as that autumn chill brought back those memories, I just couldn’t shake the craving that I was having for a little slice of my past. I considered driving 3 hours round trip, not including time to revel in my wanderlust, but as I scanned our calendar I knew that a quick trip would be a selfish indulgence that I just couldn’t justify for the day. So I set out to create a happy little pause button that would keep the cravings at bay until I had time for the trip.

This recipe could easily be adapted to any fruit you have on hand. After I finished up the pictures my mind started racing with ideas of different “butters” that I could try. The possibilities are endless. Since Thanksgiving is just around the corner my mind leaped to ideas that incorporated my favorite fall flavors. What about a pumpkin honey butter or an orange cranberry honey butter. I think both of those will have to be a part of our Thanksgiving feast, spread generously across a warm home made roll.

If the flavors you want to try aren’t in season, frozen fruits can easily be substituted. I made strawberry honey butter and a tropical honey butter with mangoes, pineapple and strawberries. They have both been gobbled up by my family. My kiddo’s have loved spreading them over their toast, crepes and waffles. I feel good that they are getting a little extra fruit into their days. The best part, it stores well in the refrigerator for up to a week in a sealed container or up to 6 months in the freezer. So you can take a few minutes today and enjoy it for several months to come!

 

 

Strawberry Honey Butter

 

1 c strawberries hulled and sliced

2 Tbsp honey

1 c butter softened, at room temperature

 

In small saucepan, over medium heat combine strawberries and honey. Heat until boiling, stirring constantly. Cool to room temperature, stirring occasionally to speed up the process. In blender or food processor blend strawberry mixture until smooth and then fold in butter until it is well blended.





just a little bit broken....and that's okay!

I have come to realize

that caring for myself

is not self indulgent.

Caring for myself

is an act of survival.

                                  -Audre Lorde

 

 

Hello friends! I have missed you so much and am so glad to be back. Our computer died a couple of weeks ago and it has taken a while to get the new one up and running. I am grateful for those few weeks, as they gave me some time to be a little more introspective. I learned so much about myself that I am so excited to share. So let's jump right in.

 

While I was away I read a great article posted in the Elephant Journal that really hit home. It is about a Hindu goddess named Akhilandeshvari. Her name roughly translated means "the never, not broken goddess". Upon first inspection the idea of being constantly broken is scary, but Akhilandeshvari derives her power from this constant flux of falling apart and picking the pieces back up again. Never getting stuck in toxic routines because she is never together long enough to stay there.

 

The author points out that one of the scariest parts of our lives are in those moments where we are lying broken, on our bedroom floors after a major shift in our lives. Whither it is a breakup, the loss of a job or the loss of a loved one. The hardest part to overcome is rewriting our future plans for ourselves. At the beginning of any relationship or job or circumstance we all create a manuscript of how we think things will play out. When things don't go according to plan that manuscript is shredded before our eyes and we are left to pick up the pieces and try to make sense of the new path all the while using what bits and pieces we can gather from the old manuscript to construct a new one. Losing that vision of our future is terrifying.

 

"But look, Akhilanda says, now you get to make a choice. In pieces, in a pile on your floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how you want to pull yourself back together. Confusion can be an incredible teacher - how could you ever learn if you already had it all figured out?" -Julie Peters

 

For the longest time my ultimate goal was to heal myself of my depression. I thought that if it crept up again, and I found myself in a pile on my floor that I had ultimately failed...again. So when those feelings do make their appearance, in any form whither it is a sad thought or actually breaking down and crying, I feel like a failure. Not only am I sad that I am experiencing these down in the dump feelings, I am sad that once again I wasn't strong enough to keep the feelings at bay.

 

But, if I know that depression is a part of me and that I will never be "not broken" the insult added to my injury will cease to have power over me. I can allow the sadness in, discover what it is trying to teach me and move on instead of sinking deeper because I have failed.

 

If you have a piece of china that has a crack in it, let's say it is a mug that's handle is being held to the body with a fine line of glue. You treat that mug differently. You don't pick it up with the gusto you would a mug that didn't have an "imperfection". You treat it gently and gingerly. You focus on the "imperfection" so as to prevent further damage.

 

Knowing my "imperfections" and knowing that there will always be the threat of some pretty dark days looming, I know that I have to treat myself gently. I need to be prepared to pick myself up off the floor over and over and over again. Which is exhausting and wildly exciting all in the same breath. I also need to focus on that part of me that is broken and create a plan to keep it from breaking even more. So here is my list.

 

In the coming weeks I will explain each one of these a little more, giving some of the "science" behind my decisions and I will link back to this post for easy referencing.

 

1) Eat healthy delicious food that nourishes my body and gives it what it needs.

 

2) Practice Yoga and meditation daily.

 

3) Use my "Happy Light" to help ward off seasonal affective disorder.

 

4) Get additional nutrients through supplements, the sun and soaking my feet.

 

5) Have a "cry day".
http://nomastoday.blogspot.com/2013/12/why-cry-day-is-actually-good-idea.html

 

6) Build my net.

 

7) Limit social media.

8) Weed through distorted thoughts and discover the truth. http://nomastoday.blogspot.com/2013/11/and-so-i-saw-shrink.html

 

These are the things that I know I have to do to keep the glue in place, and when the day comes again (which it ultimately will) that the glue just can't keep me together any longer I will get the opportunity to pull my pieces together in a new way, creating new routines and new experiences.



Roasted Tomato Soup

"A world without tomatoes is like a string quartet

without violins."

-Laurie Colwin, "Home Cooking"

 

Growing up I hated two things that were good for me, fish and tomatoes. When I took a health class in high school I realized the importance and benefits of incorporating these two beauties into my diet. It took years to change my opinion and palate, but I am slowly coming around. I started by ordering hamburgers and leaving the tomatoes in place instead of discarding them the instant they arrived on my plate. I'm still working on fish. I have trained myself to like lobster, crab and shrimp, but learning to like fish will take a little more time. Whenever I am near an ocean however I feel like it would be an insult if I didn't give it another try. I ate Mahi Mahi for the first time in Hawaii when I was 11 and really enjoyed it. This past March I had some of the most amazing salmon I have ever tasted while at an awards dinner, for work, in Orlando. It takes baby steps. If I had this tomato soup as a kid, I have a feeling my thoughts about tomatoes would have changed ages ago. It is a far cry from the preservative packed can variety and is almost as easy to prepare.

15-20 large ripe tomatoes, cut into 1 inch cubes
1 leek, chopped and rinsed thoroughly, white end only
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 Tbsp olive oil
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
1/2 tsp thyme
2 c chicken broth
1 pint heavy cream
 
Preheat oven to 400.
Place tomatoes, leek and garlic on cookie sheet.
Drizzle with olive oil.
Roast for 30-40 minutes, turning every 10-15 minutes to prevent burning.
Remove from oven and puree in blender or food processor.
For a smoother texture, strain through a sieve into a sauce pan.
Over medium high heat, combine tomato mixture with salt, pepper, chicken broth, thyme and heavy cream, stirring constantly.
Continue cooking until soup has thickened to desired consistency.

Pasta Carbonara

Life is a combination of magic and pasta.

-Federico Fellini

 

When I cook for my family, I do my best to set the mood. I always feel like I am more able to listen to the little things that the food is trying to tell me when I surround myself with good music. No music connects me more readily and directly to the food that I am preparing than Italian music paired with Italian cuisine. The music and the food speak to me in a way that excites every inch of my body, down to the tiniest atom in my little toe. I can't help but dance through the kitchen as I mince the garlic or drop the pasta. It becomes a celebration instead of a simple meal, made on a weeknight, to fill the bellies of my hungry savages.

This is one of our favorite "go to" recipes. It can be played up with prosciutto or pancetta substituting Asiago for the parmesan, or you can go with what you have on hand and create a delectable feast for your hungry brood. You could add chicken breasts dredged through a combination of panko bread crumbs, oregano, basil, thyme and parmesan. Whatever you choose try spicing things up tonight and really get into preparing the meal from your heart. Turn up a Pandora play list that highlights some of your favorite tunes. Might I suggest creating a new station including "Mambo Italiano" by Rosemary Clooney or for a more authentic feel "Italian Traditional Radio". Whichever you choose, center yourself for a moment, take a deep breath and feel the love that is expressed while creating this simple, beautiful tribute of love for you and yours.

This past weekend I learned a fun tip that I thought I would share. It isn't as "life changing" as when I learned to peel garlic by first smashing it with the flat edge of a large knife, but I think this is a tip that I will employ anytime I have fresh asparagus to prepare. It is a time saver that will help you get this dish on the table in a flash.

Leave the rubber bands in place on your bunch of asparagus. Pull three or four stalks out of the bottom rubber band and snap the ends off individually, allowing them to break where the woody ends meet the tender flesh.

After you have an idea of the average length of where the woody parts end, chop the entire bunch to this length.

Leave the rubber bands in place and continue chopping into 1 inch sections for this recipe. Once chopped place in a salad spinner full of ice-cold water. Allow the asparagus to soak while you continue chopping the other vegetables. Drain the water and spin dry.

Quick and Easy Pasta Carbonara


6 strips bacon, crispy cooked
1 bunch of asparagus, trimmed to one inch sections, discarding the woody ends
1 large yellow onion, diced
2 cloves of garlic, minced
2 tomatoes diced
1 pint heavy cream
1/3 c Parmesan cheese, with additional for topping
8 oz angel hair pasta, cooked to desired doneness as per package instructions

In large fry pan, cook bacon until it is crispy.
Remove bacon and clean out drippings, reserving 1 tsp of drippings to saute the onion and garlic.
Warm 1 tsp of drippings, over medium heat, and saute onion and garlic until onion starts to become tender, about 1 minute.
Add asparagus and stir fry for an additional 2-3 minutes.
Add tomatoes and cook until the asparagus is bright green.
Pour in heavy cream and Parmesan cheese and simmer until sauce has thickened.
Toss with pasta, serve and top with additional Parmesan.  

The slow road was fun....but....(my new health challenge)

Exercise should be regarded as tribute to the heart.

                                                                                  

                                                                               -Gene Tunney

 

 

So, I started a new health challenge today. I know that I said that I was going to take "the slow road", but since that proclamation I've just been sitting on that road waiting for something, ANYTHING, to happen. Guess what? Nothing happened. The good news is that while I have just been watching the time pass by I didn't gain weight, but I don't think I've ever been further from losing it either.

 

I think I needed this time though to accept my body, as it is. To stop loathing the unlovable parts and let them know that they are o.k. which was weird, but probably a necessary part of my healing process. I did my best not to scowl when I looked in the mirror, or groan as my pants got just a little tighter. It wasn't an easy process, but at the end of it all I know that I love myself and that even those "unlovable" parts are loved. Having said that, those unlovable parts have out stayed their welcome and it is time to get down to business.

 

I was so excited when a friend mentioned the possibility of a health challenge that I jumped in with both feet. We have a little facebook group and collectively we have "donated" $25 a piece to the "winners pot". At the end of the challenge there will be two winners (although all of us will be winners of better health) one who loses the most weight, by percentage, and one who racks up the most points. I am hoping to lose the most weight, but just in case that falls through I am planning on getting the maximum number of points every day.

 

Here is the break down for points:

 

* Drink at least 64 oz. of water = 3 points
* No eating after 9:00 pm = 2 points
* Eat 3 servings of vegetables = 3 points (one serving equals ½ cup; leafy greens require 1 cup per serving)
* Eat 2 servings of fruit = 2 points (one serving equals ½ cup)
* No sweets/sugary treats = 5 points (I’m a firm believer that everyone needs a free day now and then, so you will be limited to six days max each week wherein you can claim these points)
* If you do indulge in a treat, but limit yourself to one serving, you can still claim 2 points each day.
* 30 minutes of exercise = 5 points (To encourage a weekly rest day, and to not penalize those who choose not to exercise on Sunday, you can only claim exercise points a maximum of six days per week).
* Each additional 15 minutes of exercise = 1 point (Up to 90 minutes total, for a maximum of 9 exercise points: 5 points for the first 30 minutes and 4 points for 60 additional minutes. Feel free to exercise for longer, but you can only claim 90.)
* Track all food consumed = 4 points (Use whatever means you prefer to track your eating. You don’t have to count calories if you don’t want to; just keep some kind of food journal. Again, points for this will be limited to six days per week so as to not penalize those who choose to take a free day.)
* Bonus points will (hopefully) be offered each week. Watch the facebook page to see what those will be. Please be aware that all of this may be subject to change based on input from the group.
* Absolutely no HGC or other weight loss pills or supplements. This is an all-natural challenge.

I have done similar health challenges before, but I LOVE the simplicity of this one.  I LOVE that you don't subtract points for "bad behavior". You may not earn the maximum number of points if you eat sweets or sugary treats but if you limit it to one serving you still reward yourself. I also love that there are "rest" and "cheat" days. In the past I have been an all or nothing kind of gal, but that just isn't conducive with real life. Even my super skinny, athletic friends will have a treat now and then. Unlike me, they just know what the limit is and what they need to do to make sure it doesn't derail their overall goal.

This new plan feels like it will fit into my original more "mindfulness" goal. For today's exercise I took our puppy on a challenging walk for 60 minutes, did 30 minutes of yoga and also completed my meditation for the day. While on the "slow road" I was only doing yoga for about 20-30 minutes 2-3 times per week. I know that if I continue incorporating yoga into my 90 minutes of exercise everyday I will still come away with the benefits that I am hoping for, but now that I have more accountability I will be more consistent.

So here is to a healthier lifestyle and to the abundant beautiful future me that is just bursting to make her entrance!



Birthday Magic

Your birthday is a special time to celebrate

the gift of "you" to the world.

 

 

As each of my childrens' birthday's approach every year I feel a little pang of sadness that the years have gone by so quickly. I wish that I could have a few more moments with each one of my snugly delicious babies. To watch as they discover their chubby baby hands or coo as they wake up from a good nights sleep. I wish that I could experience those sweet moments and really savor them instead of merely survive in a drunken sleep deprived state. Not that I didn't enjoy a good deal of it, I just know that I would be able to appreciate those moments even more now than I did then because I realize the time is so fleeting. 

 

Having said that, I love to take the time leading up to my babies birthday's to remember the events surrounding their birth. I know that they enjoy hearing year after year how their siblings or other relatives eagerly anticipated their arrival. The preparations, the celebrations and the air of excitement as we packed up the car and headed to the hospital, knowing that we would FINALLY get to meet the sweet little person that we had already grown to love.

 

This past weekend was my third child's 10th birthday and I thought it might be fun to share some of our birthday traditions. As the above quote says, a birthday really is a fun time to celebrate the gift of "you", or the gift of your children.

 

Our oldest tradition is of course retelling of their birth story. Now I'm not talking about the "nitty gritty" details, just the basics. A couple of days before Bastian's 10th birthday I began the countdown, saying things like, "Ten years ago right now, we were eating dinner at Nanny and Papo's house. That night we took pictures of Tan and Brin kissing my belly." or "Ten years ago right now, I was THIS big" grossly over exaggerating for theatrical value. 

 

When my kiddo's were born I bought them each a journal and quickly filled in some of those details so that I could always remember what I was thinking and feeling as we were waiting to meet the newest member of our family. I wrote in their journals a lot when they were little, jotting down little anecdotes that I wanted to remember. Nowadays I have made it a goal to, at the very least, write in their journals on their birthdays. I think this will give them a little insight into the different struggles I went through as a parent, and also an idea of who they were in their early years.

 

Growing up I had a friend whose family would always decorate their mantel with birthday wishes and gifts for the birthday boy or girl. Having a family of eight, I can only imagine the preparation involved in each celebration. I loved the idea of continuing this tradition in my own family, but shopping for supplies in addition to the other birthday necessities almost ended this idea for me before I had even given it a chance to grow. That was until a friend of mine showed me some beautiful banners that her sister Amy made for different holidays including birthdays. I knew that I needed to have one. So I purchased the banner and a big stash of balloon's and now, with very little effort, my kids get a fun birthday surprise.

 

Here is a link to Amy's blog. She is such a talented seamstress with fun ideas and tutorials. http://amerooniedesigns.blogspot.com/2010/10/birthday-box.html   

 



Food is a big part of our birthday festivities. The birthday boy or girl gets to decide what is on the menu for breakfast, which is served in bed, and dinner. I also take them out to lunch to the restaurant of their choice. I like to give them fun breakfast options since this is my favorite meal to prepare. I have done funfetti pancakes, coconut encrusted french toast, pannakoeken, and loads of other things. Bastian opted for egg salad with kielbassa on toast. He is such an easy going kid!

 

This year I started something new. I thought it would be fun to let perfect strangers in on the excitement of the birthday that we were celebrating. This is also an idea where you can invest a little time and money and tuck it away for the next birthday. I bought a car window marker and wished my birthday boy a "Happy Birthday". On the back window I encouraged drivers to "Honk to wish Bastian a Happy Birthday". We have had such a fun time driving around in our "Celebration Mobile" that I'm having a hard time thinking about washing it off, luckily we have another birthday to celebrate in just over a month, so I think I will survive.

 

 

 

So, what are some of your birthday traditions. I would love to add to our list and continue celebrating in new ways each year!