A retraction of sorts...

Remember, they are only thoughts,

and thoughts can be changed.

The point of power

is always in the present moment.

 

 

I was just reading over my "Namaste" post and I realized that I came off a little arrogant, so I wanted to take a moment to explain myself. Having been a wounded soldier in the war on depression I know that you can't simply CHOOSE to be happy. If that is all it took there wouldn't even be a word to describe depression because everyone would choose to be happy and we would be done with it.

 

Depression is such a complex experience that is unique to the person who is going through it. For me, I went from being a vibrant happy person who prided herself on being a "June Cleaver" housewife to being a bump on a log with only the slightest hint of a pulse. I know being "June Cleaver perfect" isn't the ideal for most people, but I LOVED a clean house. I LOVED dressing my kids up in somewhat matching outfits, their hair neatly done, so that when I took pictures of them it would be easier for me to find scrapbook paper to immortalize and document this time in their lives. I LOVED having dinner on the table, the house picked up and the kids playing happily together when my husband came home. This is what I expected of myself and, for the most part, this is what our life looked like.

 

When it didn't look like this, vicious voices would begin gnawing at my brain. If the kids were fighting I would think, "I must be a horrible mother. They ALWAYS fight. I must not be teaching them the things I should." When dinner wasn't on the table, or HEAVEN forbid we had take out, I would think, "Why can't I keep it together. My family is going to fall apart if I keep this up. Who can grow and thrive on McDonald's? I AM such a looser."

 

These voices were the beginning of the end. After a while I really started to believe these voices and eventually I gave up. My "June Cleaver" image became too hard to maintain. I was crushed. 

 

The first time I called to make an appointment with a doctor about depression I bawled when the receptionist asked me the reason for my visit. To save face, I cancelled the appointment a couple of days later. I just couldn't bare the thought of someone knowing that I couldn't "keep it together". I suffered in silence for another year. 

 

At my annual exam with my OB I decided to bring it up. My hope was that she could recommend a "natural" solution. This part makes me sad. In my mind the thought of asking for a prescription meant that I was just that much further gone. That I was that much more "broken". If I could fix it with herbs or meditation I thought that would mean I wasn't really officially depressed. I wish that there wasn't such a stigma around the use of medication for a medical condition. No one would look at a diabetic and say, "You know, you really don't NEED insulin. You should try focusing on the positive and THINK your way out of it. If you need medication you are weak." BUT this is thrown in the face of people facing depression every day. Well meaning people try to "medicate" people with depression by telling them what has worked to turn around their sadness. Sadness and depression are not the same thing. I expect that even when I have recovered from this latest depressive episode I will experience sadness. Sadness is a part of life. Depression shouldn't be.

 

So I left her office with a prescription for Celexa. I took it faithfully for a couple of months and noticed a slight change in my mood, but not enough to say it worked. I made another appointment and left with a prescription for Welbutrin, but after 4-5 days worth of migraines an hour or so after I took it, I decided Welbutrin wasn't my fix. I could mostly function with depression. I couldn't function with a house full of kids and migraines every day. I just want to say that anyone who has gone through trial and error with their doctor to find something that works is a ROCK STAR. It can take months of baring your soul to another human being, who looks like they have it all together, to finally find something that works. I wasn't that strong. I thought, after two attempts, if I couldn't get it right then I couldn't go back because, once again, I was failing. So I didn't go back and suffered through some of the worst years of my life. On the outside they should have been some of the happiest years, but on the inside I was dying. 

 

In those years I tried herbs, yoga and meditation, I even went to a therapist (something that I am eternally grateful for). I started following an Ayurvedic lifestyle which incorporated specific lifestyle changes and routines. Out of everything, I learned to listen to my body again. I learned that my body doesn't do well with caffeine. I always felt that I needed caffeine to maintain my perfect housewife image, because let's face it, the house doesn't clean itself. This still plays into my life as the ultimate paradox. I need caffeine to keep up with the kids and the house, but caffeine eventually makes me sluggish and unable to perform even the most basic task. I also learned that I can't eat a lot of sugar without it being balanced with some protein. With both caffeine and sugar I would find myself being harder on myself and my kids and even feel a wave of sadness as the sugar was being metabolized. 

 

Now that you know my background story. I want you to know that you CAN choose to be happy. You can CHOOSE to talk to your doctor and find a prescription that works for you. You can CHOOSE to take your medication. You can CHOOSE to do yoga and meditate. You can CHOOSE to listen to your body and find the thing that will change your way of thinking. You can CHOOSE to go to a therapist and learn from their wealth of knowledge. Only you can CHOOSE to be happy. You can CHOOSE to say "No More Today". Namaste.